Sir Reginald Bottomtalker's incredibly true and accurate internet encyclowpaadia of world history: Part 0 The End of the world

The end of the world came in 20million BC, time being circular though put’s it somewhere in our future tense. It was of course caused by all the standard formulas, overpopulation, pollution, nuclear war and extra-terrestrial invasion by lizard people (who latter colonized the planet and became what is known to us now as “dinosaurs”).

The end of the world was of course predicted by several reputable sources, all of them got the general idea right, but the dates wrong. The most accurate prediction came from a cartoon television series called “The Flintstones” . This series movingly documented the final chapters of human existence, during humanities enslavement under the lizard people. Although the producer never managed to get his final episode “Barney and the day of blood” aired on national TV.

Religious texts often covered the topic of doomsday. In the Book of revelations, god reveals to a sandal clad hippie, that the earth is to be destroyed by fire. Many interpret this to mean nuclear war, however the correct interpretation was that Mrs Mavis McCloud (a cleaner at NASA) would flick the butt of her cigarette onto an essential piece of computer equipment, shorting it out, and thusly ruining the space program intended to redirect the impending impact of a deadly ice-comet. Well done Mavis.

Sir Reginald Bottomtalker's incredibly true and accurate internet encyclowpaadia of world history: Part IV The conflict of Ireland

The Irish are a proud people, they take particular pride in their tiny boats which the locals call coroughs. These are built from hollowed out ostrich eggs, the ostrich being a major pest in Ireland after having been introduced to the country in 1733 by Christopher Columbus (the well known pianist). Sadly in modern time’s civil war has cruelly divided the Irish people.

The Irish conflict began in 1632 when the English forcibly took the northern area of Ireland and tried to impose their native religion of Buddhism on the local peoples. English Buddhists were labelled by the Irish as "orange men" due to the orange serongs worn by their monks. Conflicts escalated when the English attempted to force the Irish to farm rice  (The English of course valuing rice highly for use in their national dish the "Rice-pudding") By 1700 20% of the Irish emigrated to America, lured by dreams of hosting evening variety shows and working for the ever expanding NYPD. It was from this land of opportunity that the saviour of Ireland would come.

It was not until the late 90s "Bono the saviour of Ireland" set foot on the green Iles. Bono, born a humble sheep farmer in New York, was said to be 7ft tall and could kill a man with one blow. It is said that as soon as Bono got off the boat to Ireland all the snakes in the land immediately threw themselves into the sea, repulsed by the sheer stink that he emitted.

In 1995 during one of the fiercest battles between the native Irish and the Kung-fu orange men of the North, Bono stepped into the fray and produced a magical Lyre. Striking his Lyre Bono sang a song so beautiful and moving that all combatants were instantly struck down by overwhelming feelings of love. After the major conflict of 1995, peace ruled in Ireland. All following conflicts were much smaller in scale and were in most part about which version of the U2 record "Achtung Baby" was best (the extended or the orchestral remix).

Do you Destroy?

Do you hit your woman and kick your cat
Do you build the bridge that will collapse
Do you pump your poison into the sea
Do YOU steal people’s liberty
Do you set the fires that burn the homes
Do you disconnect their telephones
Do you sign the papers, increase the rent
Abuse your powers, or force consent
Do you teach your children hate and fear
Dissolve away the atmosphere
Do you make the reason to build the bomb
Do YOU cut down the amazon
Do you spread the virus that kills the crops
Do you do the crime and bribe the cops
Do you, do you, do YOU destroy?

Diamond Dust

We are the diamond dust
on the top of the compost heap
20 Billion fragile twinkles
the snow on the cemetery
eyes turned to the sky
terrified to look down
terrified that the past is the future

Morning Poetry

Morning people can’t be poets
The lights not right at six AM
Power walks and cinnamon bagels
Scares the music from the pen
Statisticians like the mornings
Accountants take a morning jog
Builders often start at sunrise
Poetry’s a night-time job
Afternoons are soothing sonnets
Haikus saved for rainy days
Ballads welcome after dinner
Morning poems misbehave

Rohypnol in both of our beers

I was going to tie you in a burlap sack
And drive you out of town
Tie you to a gum tree
And pull your trousers down
Feed you ten Viagra
And have my wicked way
Steal your wallet and your shoes
And then I’d drive away

You were going to drug me up
And take me back to yours
Take pictures on your mobile phone
And get into my draws
Leave me in the gutter
And pretend we’d never met
Take the pictures off your phone
And post them on the net

But there's Rohypnol in both of our beers!

Death

get away from me reaper man
get away from me
I'm not gonna to ride in your black limousine
I'm not gonna to play on your black tambourine
don't point your bone at me
don't rain on my parade
fear you not I'm not afraid
I wasn't born astride the grave
don't grind your teeth at me
I'm not gonna walk your wambeling road
I'm not unshouldering shouldery loads
away from me reaper man
away from me